Today, virus hoaxes like "Goodtimes" make me nostalgic for the precambrian utopia before the earth was covered with spam. Falling for one is a rite of passage (the FCC Modem Tax got me in the late 1980's), but after the first time, most people learn to check the CIAC (now the CIRC) page, or Snopes.com (especially if the warning says "Snopes says it's true!!!", because it certainly is not)
Although 1994 may seem long ago, virus warnings have been with us since ancient times. The testaments below are from those who have felt the raw power of GOOD TIMES! Enjoy!
The Goodtimes Email Virus Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR. Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days SODOMIZING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE. Some filthy, disgusting miscreant... some no-good, low-down, good-for- nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of his own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail entitled "Free Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e-mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES. How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS. So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW! Submitted by: Dan Wolfgang (firstname.lastname@example.org)
*** VIRUS ALERT - READ IMMEDIATELY *** This is a warning for all Internet users -- there is a dangerous virus propagating across the Internet through an e-mail message entitled "Hi". DO NOT READ ANY MESSAGE WITH THE SUBJECT "Hi". This message appears to be a friendly greeting from a friend or colleague asking how you've been, what's going on with you, etc., but by the time you read this letter, it is too late. The "trojan horse" virus will have already infected your computer. It works by copying itself from your mail program onto your ROM, and will AUTOMATICALLY damage all chips, turning 4 MB SIMMs into 1 MB SIMMs, 8 MB SIMMs into 2 MB SIMMs, etc., effectively reducing the memory in your computer to 1/4 its current capacity. It will also copy itself onto your power supply, and physically melt the internal transformer. It can also propagate over the electrical wires in your home or office, damaging any other appliances with an internal computer chip plugged into the same electrical system, such as photocopiers, printers, microwaves, VCR's, etc. This virus has the ability to read your address book, select one of the names, and copy that name into its "From:" field, masking its true source and making it appear that it was sent to you by a friend. Furthermore, once it had entered your mailbox, it can copy itself to other messages currently waiting there. Therefore, upon seeing a message in your mailbox that appears to be from a friend and has the subject "Hi", the ONLY way to rid yourself of this virus is to DELETE EVERY MESSAGE IN YOUR MAILBOX WITHOUT OPENING THEM. This virus is often sent AUTOMATICALLY from the "cracker's" computer. In order to insure that the virus will not be sent to you again, note the friend's address that was falsely added to the mail containing the virus. Then, send mail to this same address, with the subject "Re: Hi" and include the text line "Stop mailing me, you bastard!", with no other text. The address will automatically be converted by your mail program into the address from which the virus originated, and the text line will be interpreted by the "cracker's" computer, and will AUTOMATICALLY remove your address from its mailing list. Please send this important message to anyone you know who uses e-mail.